|Gers Through To World Cup Final|
|Written by Tony Bananas|
|Friday, 09 July 2010 02:50|
GERS THROUGH TO WORLD CUP FINAL
by Jack Keithson and Dim Jaynor
Gio Van Bronckhorst last night blasted Glasgow Rangers into their ninth World Cup final in a row with a sensational 30 yard strike against a poor and frankly, Catholic looking Uruguay team. Unknown fringe men Wesley Schneijder and Arjen Robben scored two goals to seal the win, but the glory belonged to the dignified Gers captain who set up all three goals and single handedly kept the unseen cowardly hand of the Uruguay forwards at bay, apart from two lucky offside strikes, which the Romanist referee disgracefully allowed to stand.
The victory was masterminded by Frank De Boer, who is aiming to lead the Gers to a totally unprecedented fifth septuple of World Cup, European Cup, UEFA Cup, Europa Cup, Stanley Cup, Ryder Cup and most prestigious of all, CIS Cup, in five seasons. After last night’s game De Boer didn’t say he owes all of his success completely to the benevolence of our Great Grand and Dignified President Moonbeams Murray; so I will. Truly the Gers couldn’t have achieved this without our Great Leader and Master shuffling all of those figures across from one bit of paper to another… sorry…I meant funding our great club directly from his bottomless pockets. By the way, don’t believe anyone who tells you his troosers are also bottomless now.
With only the outsiders of Germany or Spain standing in their way, Rangers look set to become the first team playing in blue outside of Larkhall in the World, to win the World Cup for a tenth time in the febrile imagination of a Scottish laptop lapdog. Unknowns such as Bastian Schweinsteger and David Villa will surely be no match for a Rangers team of Big Gio lining up in a 0-1-0 formation with Big Frank playing the flute from the bench.
To commemorate Rangers’ achievement another seventeen stars will be added to the club crest which will mean they have won millions more CIS cups even than Real Madrid and Manchester United put together. A special tangerine European fifth strip will also be commissioned featuring 280 stars on the crest, the very thing to be seen in down your local tangerine lodge this summer.
Rangers’ latest unprecedented winning of every trophy this season and in the world ever for the rest of time, is also expected to lead to the return of Rino Gattuso to the light blue jersey featuring as many stars on it as there are stars in the universe. The Italian superstar has been constantly begging Moonbeams to take him back to Ibrox since being bundled into a taxi after breaching Pepperami protocol back in 1999. Our Great President now believes the time is right to grant the best player since Gio Van Bronkchorst his dying wish, 60 years before he dies.
From here, Rangers can only go from strength to strength. The gap between Scotland’s Premier Sporting Institution and the rest of Scottish football, even their Auld Firm rivals – Them – will move from a gulf to a yawning chasm. Domination of European and World football followed by the Inner Solar System is only a matter of time once Mr Murray’s plans for a new Super-Casino-Dome-Stadium-Death-Star-Floating-in-Space are signed off by Glasgow City Council in the year 2066.
But for the time being, neutral journalists who only write about Rangers and go on Rangers TV like myself, can look forward to opening the marching season as World Cup winners thanks to Gio and Big Frank.